My Recovery So Far

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  • Turning 40 and getting back on the wagon

    Turning 40 and getting back on the wagon

    I deliberately haven’t written anything here for a while to give myself some space to decide which direction I want my recovery to go in. I’ve been practising moderation since Christmas and more often than not, it has gone to plan. There have been many occasions where I’ve gone for a meal with JT and just had a glass of red wine and been happy with that, but as time goes on I’ve found myself thinking about having another glass more and more. JT doesn’t drink so it’s not that there’s any temptation in my face. I don’t know why I crave more. I just do and I guess that’s addiction for you. So, over the last few months I’ve learnt that I can moderate my drinking but it does take a lot of thought, preparation and determination. At times I’ve thought maybe it’s easier to just stay sober. I do think it is a lot easier but staying sober for the rest of my life is a really scary thought and I find it difficult to process. A bit like trying to process how many stars are in the sky. You know, that feeling you get when you think about something so much it blows your mind? Yeah, that! I can’t handle the thought of never drinking alcohol ever again in my life. It’s too much for my tiny brain so I’m back and forth with what I want to do from one day to the next. Moderate? Back on the wagon? Moderate? Back on the wagon?

    When I was thinking about trying moderation, one of the main reasons I wanted to drink alcohol again was so that I could celebrate turning 40 ‘properly’ and in style. For the last 26 years I’ve celebrated with alcohol. It’s what people do and the first thing a lot of people think about when throwing a party is alcohol, whether it be Prosecco, beers or shots. Not many people will think about the food first. In fact, a lot of people don’t eat when there’s food put on because they’ll save room for beer! It’s the way society has made people and when there’s a celebration, most people’s focus is what they’ll be drinking and how drunk they’re going to get. Anyway, I worried my birthday might be a little disappointing without alcohol so I decided to moderate.

    I turned 40 at the beginning of June and I can honestly say, it couldn’t have been better. JT took me to Gran Canaria for a week and towards the end of the holiday it was my birthday. I woke up to the apartment covered in banners and little ’40’ glitter numbers everywhere. I’m still in shock that JT had done this whilst I was fast asleep right above my head! For my actually birthday we spent the day at the waterpark and i can’t remember last time I laughed so much. It really was the best day ever. Then in the evening JT took me for a lovely meal and it was the perfect end to a perfect day. Turn your volume up for this one. Here I am gracefully hitting my forties …

    I went away with the intention of drinking AF drinks during the day and having a few alcoholic ones in the evening but that didn’t quite go to plan. We arrived quite late in the day so as soon as we arrived at the apartment, we only had time for a quick shower and change then headed out for food. Off we went and if I’m really honest, I was really looking forward to one of those ice cold pints you get on holiday where the glass is out the freezer. It’s not really the best thought process of someone who is in recovery from a binge drinking problem. The waiter came over and asked what we’d like to drink and without even thinking I ordered a large beer. Holiday mode had set in and I didn’t even think about ordering an alcohol free beer. I didn’t even think about asking if they served them. I only had the one but it’s my thought process that scares me the most. JT quite rightly says that if I was with someone who drinks the night would have turned out completely different. I have to be extremely careful when I drink and who I drink with. I’m not saying it’s anybody else’s fault but I’m easily influenced and could definitely be persuaded and get carried away. When I went to the supermarket for beers I did go for the alcohol free option but I didn’t have as much will power when it came to ordering in the bars and restaurants. I didn’t go crazy and I only had a slight hangover the morning after my birthday but the daily drinking habit quickly set in and my thought process changed. I could see my thinking about each evening being more about the drink rather than the food and I’m not comfortable with that.

    When we arrived home I continued with moderation but it quickly started to make me feel wary but that didn’t stop me. A few weeks ago I decided to have a catch up with my friend and we went to a carnival in Manchester. Three, maybe four drinks in and the whole moderation thought process was out the window. I really don’t understand it because I have no problem when we go for a meal but when the day’s focus is about drinking I just find it so difficult to control. Although we had a fab day, I ended up getting extremely drunk. I didn’t do anything crazy or dangerous but it’s the vulnerability I put myself into that I don’t like. Then there’s the mental health side of things that bothers me. I woke up the next day with horrendous anxiety and my mood for the rest of the week was particurly low. I don’t want to feel that way again and I’ve decided the only way to remove that from my life is to stay sober.

    So here I am, back on the wagon, 20 days sober and counting…

    Thanks for reading.

    Claire xx

  • Let’s all go AF, now and again

    Let’s all go AF, now and again

    There’s never been a better time to try alcohol free drinks. A few years ago people would have laughed at the suggestion of a non alcoholic festival but the Mindful Drinking Movement is going crazy and the drinks industry has noticed there’s a large market for adult soft drinks. You only need to Google “alcohol free” and you’ll find pages of recent articles about how people are becoming dry drinkers. Alcohol free beer is even being rolled out on tap! In fact, Heineken revealed last week that it put its alcohol free brand “0.0” on tap at 1500 pubs across the UK. There’s only 69 calories in one bottle too! People are increasingly turning to alcohol free because we’re more health conscious now than we’ve ever been. AF drinks won’t just leave you hangover free; they cost less as well. So not only will you become healthier, your bank balance will too! It’s a win win situation.

    I know for a lot of people moderation simply isn’t an option and I didn’t think it was for me at one point. Especially in the early days when I was only a couple of months sober. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to control my drinking once I’d popped the cork but over the last few weeks I’ve seen a massive change in the way I think about drinking. I decided to bring an end to my sobriety during Christmas 2018. It wasn’t an easy decision and I’d been thinking about it for a couple of months. I refuse to believe that everyone with an alcohol problem can never drink again or practice moderation. I’ve never craved alcohol and I’ve never drank daily. My problem was binge drinking and not knowing when to stop once I’d started. Because of the way society makes us think I believe this is the problem for a lot of people and it’s the reason for a lot of mental health issues. My thought process quickly went into ‘let’s get wasted’ mode as soon as the first drop went down and over time, with the amounts of alcohol regularly going into my system, and my body never having chance to recover (because I drank most days), my anxiety and depression got worse. Since I turned things around and even now when I’m having a few alcoholic drinks, I haven’t experienced any anxiety or depression. I just needed a reboot to change my thought process around alcohol and socialising.

    So if you’ve never tried alcohol free drinks and you’re thinking of giving them a whirl, don’t just head straight for Becks Blue. There’s a lot more choice out there and most bars have many options. You just need to ask! Here are some of my favourites …

     

    Heineken 0.0

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    Usually available in most pubs and tastes very much like the alcoholic version. Contains 0.05% alcohol and 69 calories per 330ml. Available in Sainsburys for £4 per pack of 6.

     

    Budweiser Prohibition

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    It’s a refreshing beer with the taste of alcoholic Budweiser. I don’t taste the difference between this and the alcoholic version. Contains 0.05% alcohol, 150 calories per 300ml and is available in Tesco for £2 per pack of four.

     

    Erdinger Alcohol Free

    One of the first alcohol free beers I tried and I was gobsmacked at the taste. It just felt like I was drinking a ‘real’ beer. It’s isotonic, so it quenches your thirst quickly. It also contains carbohydrates for energy and protein, which helps your body repair. The alcohol content is 0.5% so the maximum for alcohol free and a 500ml bottle contains 125 calories. Available in Tesco for £2.50 per bottle and I’ve also seen this one available in a few bars and pubs.

     

    Rawson’s Retreat Cabernet

    For the red wine drinkers out there, this is the only one I’ve found that actually tastes like alcoholic red wine and not Vimto! It’s made by Australian wine giant Penfold’s, contains 0.5% alcohol, only 38 calories per 250ml and is available at Tesco for approx. £4 per bottle.

     

    Eisberg Alcohol Free Rose Wine

    I’m not a massive fan of rose but this is lovely and refreshing. Perfect for drinking in the sun! Contains 0.05% alcohol, 33 calories per 125ml and is available in Tesco for £3.50 per bottle.

     

    Tesco Low Alcohol G&T 

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    The perfect choice for a hot day in the garden! I’ve never been a gin drinker but this one really is delicious with ice and lemon. Contains 0.5% alcohol, 12 calories per 250ml can and is available in Tesco for £3.50 per pack of four.

    It’s not just people with a drink problem who choose to go for alcohol free. There are a lot of reasons people drink them. They could be in training for a marathon, on medication, working, on a health kick, having a baby or simply having a day off! The way things are going AF drinks will be as popular as the ‘real’ version soon!

    Thanks for reading.

    Claire xxx

     

  • 7 weeks later …

    7 weeks later …

    Hello again. I haven’t been into the blogging recently as there’s been a lot going on. Sometimes I’m just not feeling it and to be quite honest, I couldn’t be bothered! Ooops. Anyway, here’s an update on what I’ve been up to.

    Drinking in moderation is going very well! I’m having a glass of wine, sometimes two with a meal and I’ve stopped at that over the last few weeks. I’ve been tracking my alcohol consumption with the Drinkaware app as I’m very aware how addiction can rear its ugly head and it’s important to me that I don’t lose focus. I think I’ll probably keep tracking via the app for the rest of the year. Staying sober for 14 months changed my life and I’m finally able to enjoy alcohol in the correct way. Some said I couldn’t do it but if you want something enough, it’s possible to achieve. I’m well aware it’s still early days but I’m convinced I will be successful at long term moderation. I’ve surprised myself actually because I’m not that interested in alcohol half as much as I thought I would be. Don’t get me wrong, I still have to stay focused and the usual ‘trigger moments’ still occur but I’m a lot more aware of them now and when they’re likely to happen:-

    • Sun’s out = trigger time
    • Invited to a party = trigger time
    • Travelling = trigger time
    • It’s the weekend = trigger time

    I know a lot of people will relate to the above but once you learn to accept that these triggers are going to happen, you can prepare for them and they’re not so much of a surprise to deal with.

    Here are my Drinkaware figures for the last few weeks. As you can see I started off risky and gradually got a grip. At the end of February I decided to get a bottle of wine for at home but I won’t be doing that again. I didn’t really enjoy it and only drank it because it was there. I’m not quite at the point where I can throw good wine away!

    In other news, I got offered a new job! But, I’ve decided not to take it as my boss offered me a deal I couldn’t really say no to. Well, I could but I’d have been stupid to. He’s a great boss and we get on brilliantly. There’s a lot to be said for enjoying where you work and I’ve never enjoyed working somewhere as much. I applied for the new job as I’m now back in Huddersfield. In fact, I moved to my new home yesterday. I was happy here for 7 years until the final 3 years and that’s when my drinking got out of hand. Anyway, now I’m a lot more sorted, I’ve decided to come back and it’ll be great to catch up with everyone. I’m excited for another new start! I went for a walk this morning and my trusty FitBit tells me that this amazing view is approx. 1000 steps away from my doorstep …

    Then there’s my love life. Oh boy! It’s going well, for now. When I say “now”, I mean right this minute. But this is me and that could all change in the next few hours! Joking aside, JT is amazing and we’ve been having a great time together. It’s not always hunky-dory but which relationships are?! JT is taking me to Gran Canaria for my 40th and I’m feeling so lucky right now. We’re making plans and 2019 is turning out to be a great year so far, although I’m not really sure how I feel about turning 40 in a few weeks!

    Thanks for reading and have a fabulous week!

    Claire. Xxx