There’s nothing quite like a new Chromebook to get you in the mood for writing another blog post. But I’ll be honest, it’s probably a whiny, self obsessed negative one that you’ll wish you hadn’t read.
Overall my life is pretty sorted right now but me being me I still have my moments and as it stands I’m feeling pretty shit today. It’s funny how life can throw things when you’re not expecting it. I don’t know why I’m feeling like this. Usually I’d be able to put it down to just having a bad day but I can’t shake it off. There are several reasons why I’m feeling a bit crap but nothing major has happened. I just can’t put my finger on it. There is one thing that really gets me though. I’m not sure if it’s the main reason but it definitely gets to me. Sometimes people unintentionally point things out that highlight negative traits in me. I know I have my faults and I’m working very hard at fixing them but I really can’t handle it when they’re pointed out. I don’t know how to deal with negativity towards me but I’m working on it every single day of my life. Nobody in the whole world will ever criticise me more than I criticise myself. I should probably go and speak to someone about it but I won’t. I may post my life on social media but what people seem to forget is, I only post what I want the world to see. I’m not planning on writing many posts like this but I think it’s important to show that it’s OK to be not OK. I’m very lucky in a lot of ways and I don’t really have anything to moan about. All my ‘problems’ are manageable but sometimes life is tough and I just want the world to fuck off and leave me alone. Today is one of those days.
I don’t think there’s much point to this post to be honest. But they say writing things down helps with mental health so that’s what I’m doing and it does feel good. I can feel the rant working and negative thoughts slowly fading away. Am I boring you yet? It’s a bit different to my usual staying positive, ‘one day at a time’ wise words.
Sometimes I forget how far I’ve come over the last two years. Yep, it’ll be 2 whole years since I started my recovery at the end of October and need to realise that. I need to start remembering I’ve done something a lot of people fail to do over and over again. Some people spend their whole life battling addiction and don’t get anywhere. So yeah, I’ve done pretty well so far.
Before I decided to take control of my life, every single problem I faced would have been dealt with by swigging maybe 2 or 3 bottles of red, smoking 20 cigs and forgetting about the world. Obviously this was only a temporary distraction that didn’t solve anything, and would only leave me feeling 100 times worse when I woke up and having to confront my problems with a full on raging hangover. Thank God I got a grip and sorted myself out. I’d hate to be going through life like that again. I’ve no intention of living like that anymore. In fact, I don’t even think about drinking to deal with feelings these days. I just try to remember I’m not always going to feel like this, these are temporary thoughts and tomorrow is another day. I wouldn’t usually write anything when I’m feeling low but I probably should. I do sometimes wonder if people think all your problems are solved when you stop drinking alcohol. It’s not the case. But things are a hell of a lot easier to deal with. It’s easy to forget that I’m only 2 years into my recovery. That may seem a long time to some but it isn’t. It took me over 12 months to get used to the new me and I still struggle on the odd occasion. I don’t deal with stuff very well but that’s OK. We can’t all be perfect!
What my recovery has taught me is that I shouldn’t drink alcohol when I’m having a day like today. So I won’t!
I probably just need a massive sleep.
I hope your day was better than mine.
Claire. Xx
I wrote all the above yesterday and wasn’t sure whether to post it or not. I have because I think it’s important to realise that some days are shit, which is absolutely fine and there will be more to come.
I’ve no explanation for why I was feeling so down because everything that’s going on in my life is manageable. I guess we’re just all a little bit messed up in one way or another and deal with things differently.
I’m feeling a lot more positive today ✌️
Thanks for reading.
Claire. Xx
When I was thinking about trying moderation, one of the main reasons I wanted to drink alcohol again was so that I could celebrate turning 40 ‘properly’ and in style. For the last 26 years I’ve celebrated with alcohol. It’s what people do and the first thing a lot of people think about when throwing a party is alcohol, whether it be Prosecco, beers or shots. Not many people will think about the food first. In fact, a lot of people don’t eat when there’s food put on because they’ll save room for beer! It’s the way society has made people and when there’s a celebration, most people’s focus is what they’ll be drinking and how drunk they’re going to get. Anyway, I worried my birthday might be a little disappointing without alcohol so I decided to moderate.
When we arrived home I continued with moderation but it quickly started to make me feel wary but that didn’t stop me. A few weeks ago I decided to have a catch up with my friend and we went to a carnival in Manchester. Three, maybe four drinks in and the whole moderation thought process was out the window. I really don’t understand it because I have no problem when we go for a meal but when the day’s focus is about drinking I just find it so difficult to control. Although we had a fab day, I ended up getting extremely drunk. I didn’t do anything crazy or dangerous but it’s the vulnerability I put myself into that I don’t like. Then there’s the mental health side of things that bothers me. I woke up the next day with horrendous anxiety and my mood for the rest of the week was particurly low. I don’t want to feel that way again and I’ve decided the only way to remove that from my life is to stay sober.