My Recovery So Far

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  • 2 years later

    2 years later

    I can’t believe it’s been a whole two years already. It was 29th October 2017 when I decided enough was enough and I’ve never looked back since. I’m not going to say it’s been easy because it definitely hasn’t and there’s still days when I struggle now, but don’t we all?! It’s how we deal with those days that matters. I know the negative feelings are temporary and not going to last forever. I don’t drown my sorrows with alcohol because I know that only makes the feelings ten times worse in the long run, and I know those feelings will pass which is usually by the next day.

    I’ve written blog posts before about how I always knew I didn’t want to be sober forever. A lot of people told me I would never be able to drink in moderation because I didn’t know when to stop once I started drinking alcohol. It’s taken 2 years, but I recently returned from my first holiday where I drank alcohol every single day, in moderation and didn’t get drunk once. In fact, the most drinks I had in one sitting was three and that was because I ordered a jug of sangria and left some of it! Yes, that’s right. I actually chose to leave some alcohol rather than chuck it down my throat. I don’t choose to drink every time I go into a bar. Sometimes I’ll have the alcohol free option, but I’ve got to a point now where, if I want to have a beer, I’ll have one. My thinking around alcohol has completely changed and it’s very rare I even consider having a drink now. I would never choose to buy alcohol for at home and that’s where I drank most of the time. Two bottles of red wine when I got home from work was always the first thing on my mind. Now I only drink when I go to an event, go out for a meal or when we’re on holiday. But even then I drank alcohol free most afternoons. They have loads of AF beers in Spain. Just ask for ‘sans alcohol’.

    I’ve seen a lot of posts on the Club Soda Facebook page recently from people asking if drinking alcohol in moderation is possible. This was a question I desperately wanted answering when I was in the early stages of recovery as well and I posted exactly the same question on that page when I was about 6 months sober. It’s not likely you’re going to get the answer you want from those sites because in my opinion, most people who decide to quit alcohol wouldn’t even consider moderation because they’re too scared of relapse and failure. There’s no point posting this question on these pages because you’re never going to get the answer you want. What I will say is, if you want it bad enough and you’re prepared for trip ups and having to take a small step backwards on the odd occasion then yes, it is possible. I’ve done it and will continue to do so! The slip ups and starting again a couple of times have all been worth it. I knew I wouldn’t manage moderation the first time but I got there eventually and it feels amazing!

    Before deciding to have a go at moderation, one thing that you need to consider is why you have a drink problem. I believe that I’m able to drink in moderation because I was your typical binge drinker who didn’t know when to stop. I think there’s a lot more people out there with the same problem than people realise and they get mistaken for ‘alcoholics’. Just because you don’t know when to stop drinking alcohol, doesn’t mean you’re an alcoholic. What is an alcoholic anyway? I think the term should be abolished. Not knowing when to stop drinking alcohol may just be a habit you’ve got yourself into after 20 years of partying and doing the same thing. Maybe all you need is a reset? That’s exactly what I needed. Staying sober for 14 months gave me the chance to rethink why I drank so much and helped me deal with the real problems that laid underneath. It gave me the chance to deal with with my depression and anxiety properly, without the complication of alcohol being in my system. It made me realise I can cope with problems without drowning my sorrows.

    The photo above is from 2 years ago today. It was taken the morning after my last binge, just before starting my recovery journey. I woke up with the bed covered in blood, my hand throbbing with pain and the worst hangover I’ve ever known. I was having suicidal thoughts and genuinely thought there was no point to my life. I’d only been on the island a couple of weeks so had no idea where the hospital was and didn’t know anyone to ask. I searched for it on my sat nav and prayed it was a short journey so I could get there quickly. I spent over 4 hours in A&E, alone. It was that moment when I decided I’d had enough of feeling shit and living a life of nothing. I needed to sort my life out and make something of myself.

    2 years later, I can proudly say I’m able to enjoy alcohol the way it’s intended, I’m very happy with my life and living it to the full, as I’ve always wanted.

    29/10/17 is my day to remember.

    Thanks for reading,

    Claire xx

  • Some days will be rubbish without reason, and that’s OK

    Some days will be rubbish without reason, and that’s OK

    There’s nothing quite like a new Chromebook to get you in the mood for writing another blog post. But I’ll be honest, it’s probably a whiny, self obsessed negative one that you’ll wish you hadn’t read.

    Overall my life is pretty sorted right now but me being me I still have my moments and as it stands I’m feeling pretty shit today. It’s funny how life can throw things when you’re not expecting it. I don’t know why I’m feeling like this. Usually I’d be able to put it down to just having a bad day but I can’t shake it off. There are several reasons why I’m feeling a bit crap but nothing major has happened. I just can’t put my finger on it. There is one thing that really gets me though. I’m not sure if it’s the main reason but it definitely gets to me. Sometimes people unintentionally point things out that highlight negative traits in me. I know I have my faults and I’m working very hard at fixing them but I really can’t handle it when they’re pointed out. I don’t know how to deal with negativity towards me but I’m working on it every single day of my life. Nobody in the whole world will ever criticise me more than I criticise myself. I should probably go and speak to someone about it but I won’t. I may post my life on social media but what people seem to forget is, I only post what I want the world to see. I’m not planning on writing many posts like this but I think it’s important to show that it’s OK to be not OK. I’m very lucky in a lot of ways and I don’t really have anything to moan about. All my ‘problems’ are manageable but sometimes life is tough and I just want the world to fuck off and leave me alone. Today is one of those days.

    I don’t think there’s much point to this post to be honest. But they say writing things down helps with mental health so that’s what I’m doing and it does feel good. I can feel the rant working and negative thoughts slowly fading away. Am I boring you yet? It’s a bit different to my usual staying positive, ‘one day at a time’ wise words.

    Sometimes I forget how far I’ve come over the last two years. Yep, it’ll be 2 whole years since I started my recovery at the end of October and need to realise that. I need to start remembering I’ve done something a lot of people fail to do over and over again. Some people spend their whole life battling addiction and don’t get anywhere. So yeah, I’ve done pretty well so far.

    Before I decided to take control of my life, every single problem I faced would have been dealt with by swigging maybe 2 or 3 bottles of red, smoking 20 cigs and forgetting about the world. Obviously this was only a temporary distraction that didn’t solve anything, and would only leave me feeling 100 times worse when I woke up and having to confront my problems with a full on raging hangover. Thank God I got a grip and sorted myself out. I’d hate to be going through life like that again. I’ve no intention of living like that anymore. In fact, I don’t even think about drinking to deal with feelings these days. I just try to remember I’m not always going to feel like this, these are temporary thoughts and tomorrow is another day. I wouldn’t usually write anything when I’m feeling low but I probably should. I do sometimes wonder if people think all your problems are solved when you stop drinking alcohol. It’s not the case. But things are a hell of a lot easier to deal with. It’s easy to forget that I’m only 2 years into my recovery. That may seem a long time to some but it isn’t. It took me over 12 months to get used to the new me and I still struggle on the odd occasion. I don’t deal with stuff very well but that’s OK. We can’t all be perfect!

    What my recovery has taught me is that I shouldn’t drink alcohol when I’m having a day like today. So I won’t!

    I probably just need a massive sleep.

    I hope your day was better than mine.

    Claire. Xx

    I wrote all the above yesterday and wasn’t sure whether to post it or not. I have because I think it’s important to realise that some days are shit, which is absolutely fine and there will be more to come.

    I’ve no explanation for why I was feeling so down because everything that’s going on in my life is manageable. I guess we’re just all a little bit messed up in one way or another and deal with things differently.

    I’m feeling a lot more positive today ✌️

    Thanks for reading.

    Claire. Xx

  • Taking back control of my life

    Taking back control of my life

    Last time I posted here I was still gutted and disappointed in myself about going out in Manchester and basically getting wasted. The anxiety I felt the day after was horrendous and I never want to feel that way again. It’s so frustrating knowing that you can drink in moderation but what I didn’t realise is, how important it is to be in the right situation for that to happen. This isn’t about pointing the finger at anyone. It’s about me knowing I can only drink alcohol when I’m in certain environments. There’s no point sending me on a trip away with a group of people that’s only intention is to spend the weekend drinking because it’s inevitable what will happen. I’ll join them, not know when to stop and by the time someone is telling me to be careful and take my time, it’ll be too late and the damage is already done.

    So, I got myself back on the wagon for a few weeks to rethink things and I stayed sober for 39 days. I didn’t find it difficult and it didn’t particularly bother me until we went for a meal and I fancied a glass of red wine. Going sober again, even if it was short term did make me realise sobriety isn’t really what I want and I’m convinced drinking in moderation is possible for a lot of people, including myself. I want to be able to drink alcohol in the way it’s intended. I want to be able to join in the celebrations and toast the happy couple without my glass being ‘in disguise’ and full of lemonade. There’s something really nice about being able to have a few ‘proper’ drinks with family and friends.

    A lot of my drinking was down to habit and boredom. Even though I have a lot of interests and I love being outdoors, over time my only hobby became drinking and I forgot how to enjoy myself in any other way. I developed a circle of friends who did the same and my life was spent in bars and pubs. The only problem for me was that this way of life had a massive affect on my mental health. I’ve suffered with depression and anxiety for a long time but that got much worse over the years, to the point where I had suicidal thoughts and couldn’t get out of bed in the morning. When hungover the anxiety rushed through my body in the most awful way. I couldn’t stand the physical symptoms and was unbelievably paranoid. I struggled to stay focused and all my thinking was negative. I needed a reset and staying sober seemed like the only answer.

    I don’t believe I’ve ever craved alcohol but that all depends on what you define as craving. It’s a very grey area and some people say that being sat at work, looking forward to getting home and opening a bottle of wine every evening is craving, even when you stop at one bottle. I don’t believe that’s true but it’s interesting when you get talking to other people in recovery on how they define craving alcohol. You may be reading this and wondering if you have a problem. My advice would be to find your nearest SMART Recovery meeting and you’ll soon decide. It’s pretty nerve racking because that’s a huge step to take but it’s definitely one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. It was at that first meeting on the Isle of Man that I realised I did have a problem. It was so comforting being around people who understood me; some with a problem worse than mine and some less but it doesn’t matter how bad your issue is. A problem is a problem, and I do believe that if someone is questioning their alcohol consumption, then they’ve already answered their own question. There’s no time frame. It took me over 20 years to realise my drinking was out of control but the sooner we realise these things, the quicker we can fix them and improve our quality of life.

    It’s difficult to get your life back on track when you’ve had the same routine for so many years. Especially when a lot of your friends are down the pub and you’re trying to stay away from alcohol. I love being outdoors and exploring new places and that was a massive part of my recovery that kept me busy and away from temptation. Meeting JT has been amazing because we have so many similar interests. I’ve got that zest for life back and JT has given me the motivation to get back into what I love. Our weekends are filled with trips away, long walks over the hills, meals out and after about 15 years of not being on a bike I’ve finally been out and bought one with the money I’ve saved and got the cycling bug back that I had when I was a teenager. Like every couple we have our ups and downs but I absolutely love our time we spend together. The funny thing is our backgrounds couldn’t be any different so without knocking the drink on the head, our paths would have never crossed.

    I’ve decided to continue with drinking in moderation and I know I will be successful with it long term. Rome wasn’t built in a day!! My mum and Mick got married last month and I decided last minute that I would drink alcohol on the day. Obviously, I’d have to take it easy because it was an all day event so we made sure there was plenty of alcohol free wine on the tables and enough choice behind the bar. I drank AF prosecco during the day then went onto alcoholic red wine in the evening. I felt tipsy by the end of the night, but I was in control. We went home at a sensible time, said goodbye and was happy to let everyone continue enjoying themselves. I didn’t feel like I was about to miss out on something and I was happy to go home. Back in the day I was always the last to leave then would be looking for someone throwing a house party! Last week I took JT to her first Manchester Pride and again, I decided to drink throughout the day. We arrived at lunch time, I started drinking around 4pm and we got home at midnight. For the whole time I was drinking Amstel beer in moderation, it wasn’t a struggle and we had the best day ever. In the early days of moderation I felt I had to really concentrate on not going too far and not drinking too fast but I’ve found that each time I do this it does get easier. I’ll never drink alcohol on a regular basis ever again but it is nice to be able to enjoy a social event with a few beers once in a while.

    Alcohol free drinks will always be a part of my life and I do enjoy them, but when it comes to red wine, I ain’t gonna find anything that tastes anywhere near my favourite bottle of red. I love my Irish coffee as well and that’s not going to be possible with alcohol free drinks. When buying drinks to have at home I always go for the AF option. In fact, I prefer AF San Miguel to the alcoholic version. I know a lot of people will disagree with me but this is my recovery, it always will be my recovery and the most important thing for me is taking back control. Rather than alcohol being in control of me, I’m now in control of alcohol.

    Thanks for reading.

    Claire xx