Being kind to myself

Yesterday I felt like the worst friend in the world. I should be on the boat to Liverpool now but I’ve decided not to make the journey for Graham’s funeral on Monday. It definitely wasn’t an easy decision to make. In fact I’ve been thinking about it all week and had several discussions with friends and family. Losing Graham has absolutely knocked me for six as I’m sure it has a lot of people. He was only 41 and it really makes you realise how cruel and short life can be sometimes. It’s also made me realise I’m still quite vulnerable. I’ve had a tough week and anxiety and depression started to rear its ugly head by Wednesday. I was feeling pretty low, anxious, angry and I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Even though I like my own company wanting to be alone when I’m feeling like that is definitely not a good sign for me. It’s been a week of small disappointments which on their own would be fine but when they all come at once I don’t cope very well. There’s a few reasons I’ve decided not to go to Graham’s funeral. I know it may seem quite selfish but that’s how I have to be at the moment and I’ve realised I need to put myself first sometimes and stop beating myself up. The funeral is being held at the same place as my dad’s and I haven’t been back since. It’s 4 years ago since we lost my lovely dad but I’ve only just started grieving for him properly and I really don’t think I’d cope very well. Death is a very strange thing and it brings people together in a peculiar way. I don’t feel the need to go to Graham’s funeral as a way of saying goodbye. That day I got the call to say he was seriously unwell, I made arrangements to be on the plane a couple of days later and went straight to Salford Royal as soon as I landed. I knew he didn’t have long and I desperately wanted to see him. I’m so pleased and feel quite lucky actually that I got the chance to say goodbye in my own way. When I arrived on the ward Graham’s family and some other friends were already there. We all spent a while talking together then shortly after they had to leave and it was just me and Graham. It was clear how ill he was and it absolutely broke my heart seeing my mate like that. We spent a couple of hours together and when it came time for me to leave I knew it would be the last time I saw my drinking buddy. I gave him a big hug and told him how much I love him. He wasn’t an emotional person at all, not with me anyway. He then said “you’re doing really well and I’m proud of you”. Such simple few words but those words will stay with me forever! Goodbye my friend ❤

I’ve spent most of today walking on the beach and I drove to Port Erin where I sat and thought about all the good times we had together. I now know I made the right decision and I know everyone will give Graham the send off he deserves.

I also know that whatever decisions I make, they’re always the right decision at the time, no matter how difficult!

Thanks for reading and enjoy the rest of your evening.

Claire xxx

2 Comments

  1. Claire you have done the right thing for you and for your friendship with Graham xx you got to personally say goodbye to him and he would totally understand your feelings in going back to what is a difficult place for you and memories. It would have been so hard to visit the same place again. Even going to a funeral a few years later in a different place is hard enough which is what I had to do a few years after my brother’s passing. It brings up old feelings which aren’t pleasant. You cherish your memories with him he’ll be in front of you, beside you and behind you always! Love you Claire and so proud of the sincere lady you are! Maria xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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