I knew I wanted to come back to this blog but I got stuck and didn’t know what to write. Life is very different for me now and I’ve found a much less stressful way of living. I’m happy and settled anyway. Then I started to ask myself what I wanted this site to be. Somewhere to journal for myself? Somewhere for my friends and family to see my progress? Or somewhere people can go to find help? I realised it’s the latter. That day I moved to The Isle Of Man I was desperate and looking for someone who looked like me, spoke like me and struggled through life like me. I searched and searched but nothing seemed to match. Fast forward ten years and today, I have become the person I was looking for.
I’d had enough of waking up feeling crap knowing I have to get through a day at work. I’d had enough of that dread of looking at my phone and seeing what I’ve texted, bought or spent. I’d had enough of people saying “you were funny last night”, or more importantly “you were a nightmare last night”. I still cringe now when I think back to some of the things I did and said. And all along, deep down I knew I could be that different person living the settled, happy life that I saw others having. I’ve always thought I didn’t believe in myself but there must have been some belief or I wouldn’t have taken that first step. It takes guts to pack up and put yourself on a ferry to an island you’ve never been to before. One thing I do remember is thinking that’s the only way it would be possible. If I took myself away from drinking buddies, and walked away from the social life I was used to. I needed to be in isolation for a while to just sit and figure out what I wanted from my life. We only get one chance and what’s the point in spending it miserable for another 50+ years? That’s if I actually made it past middle age! I was 37 when I realised something had to change.
There are certain situations that I know made a difference. My mum saying “if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for me”. My friend Anita saying “you need to knock it on the head, darling”. Then seeing my friend Kev posting about his recovery journey on Facebook. People ask me now how did I manage to stop drinking and I can’t think of a single reason. It was years of feeling shit, tired and being average at anything I did. I wanted to be a better person and I don’t know where the motivation came from but I found it deep down somewhere. I was absolutely desperate for change and a life I was proud of.
I would check in with my mum every day. We’ve always been close and I couldn’t have got where I am without her – she has been my rock. I remember hearing her say “you can do this, Claire” and I used to wonder where she got that belief in me from. It did work though and I’ve always said she believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. But maybe I did and I borrowed her belief for a bit? Belief had to be there for me to do something about it. When someone else believes in you it makes you think it can be possible. Then you take the next step and do something about it. That’s when I went to SMART Recovery and found my people. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t easy. I was absolutely shitting myself when I walked into that room and was about 30 seconds away from walking out again but the meeting started and I felt I had to stay put. Then you hear people talking about their journey and what they’ve come through. You start thinking I’m not as bad as them, or they’re not as bad as me. What I learnt from those meetings is you don’t have to be at a certain level to be a problem drinker. If it’s an issue for you or your questioning whether you have a drink problem or not, you probably have.
The day I got fired from my job I recognised I had a problem. The day my mum said I can do it, I borrowed her belief. The day I joined SMART Recovery I found I belonged somewhere. Then I found the belief in myself to do something about it. If you’re reading this and it sounds like you, then take that first step and reach out. Whether that be to a friend, a family member or messaging me, someone will lend you their belief until you find it yourself. They will help you find your people and it’ll be the best decision you’ve ever made.
Leave a Reply