So, the weekend before last I posted on social media that I didn’t want to be sober forever. That is true but I probably need to clear a few things up. I am still very much ON the wagon and today marks 1 year and 1 month of sobriety. When I say I don’t want to be sober forever that also doesn’t mean I’m going to grab a bottle of vodka and go full throttle getting wasted. It doesn’t even mean I’m thinking of drinking alcohol any time soon. It just means that I don’t want to be sober for the rest of my life. What I would actually like eventually, is to be able to drink in moderation. Now I know a lot of people will tell me that I’m an alcoholic and it’s not possible for me to have a few alcoholic drinks and leave it at that but I’m not sure I agree. I’ve made no secret of the fact I don’t class myself as an alcoholic and I think there’s a big difference in craving alcohol and binge drinking. Saying that, if someone wants to label me an alcoholic I don’t mind. It’s a massive grey area after all! Personally I think we should get rid of the A word.
Anyway, back to drinking in moderation. I’ve done a lot of thinking about it over the last couple of weeks and I’ve got a lot more thinking to do. Is drinking in moderation even a thing? Maybe I’m just going through a process that many people go through? Maybe it’s the time of year? Maybe I’m in denial? Whatever it is I can’t stop thinking about it at the moment. The counter on my Sober Grid app which was once oh so important to me, is now like a chain around my neck. Does it really matter if I have one drink and have to delete the app? I’m also worried about disappointing people. I realise my friends and family are very proud of me for staying sober but it’s definitely not easy some days and it’s not really what I want. I’m well aware this may come across as selfish but I’m just trying to explain how I feel about it all and it’s easier for me to explain here. Having a break from alcohol was definitely the right decision for me. It’s given me time to reflect, reassess my relationship with alcohol, address my mental health issues and coping strategies. My life is 100% better without alcohol in lots of ways but I do miss having a drink and joining in on the special occasions. I have no interest in sitting at home getting wasted again. I’m not even interested in going out drinking for drinking’s sake. Back in the day I was doing that to ‘cope’ with other problems. I wasn’t dealing with my anxiety and depression very well so my first port of call was a bottle of red. I’m a lot more sorted these days and I’ve acknowledged my anxiety and depression and I’m managing them a lot better than I ever have, in the correct way.
Then there’s the reminders… 🤔
- I’ve woken each morning feeling refreshed and full of energy for the last 396 days. Do I really want to feel crap again with that horrible hangover feeling? No. It’s horrendous and I would waste a whole day in bed doing nothing.
- Do I want to gain weight? No. I feel so much better and healthier due to being more active and my confidence and self esteem has increased more than I ever imagined.
- Do I want to pay the ridiculous prices for alcohol? No. For the first time in my life I’m debt free and I’ve also got a few quid in the bank.
Obviously drinking in moderation wouldn’t lead to the above if successful but I have to take it all into consideration. Each recovery journey is unique and completely different. We all have to do what’s right for us and I know I’ll be a lot happier if I can have the odd drink on special occasions. But for now it may be easier to stay sober a little longer. What I think is extremely important is that people explore WHY they are drinking. When I looked into my reasons for drinking alcohol it was a definite lightbulb moment and answered a lot of questions.
Bring on day 400 💪