My Recovery So Far

Sobriety delivers everything alcohol promised…

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  • I was diagnosed with ADHD and everything made sense

    I was diagnosed with ADHD and everything made sense

    I feel like this site is turning a corner slightly. It helped me so much during the early days of my recovery and I’m not sure I’d have managed without it. I’m not great at talking things through and find it so much easier to put my thoughts down on screen or paper.

    During my drinking days I didn’t really know anything about ADHD. I thought like most people it was something that naughty little schoolboys had and probably grew out of. Fast forward 6 years and there’s so much more information out there. I’d noticed a few things on social media but never really took much notice until a friend asked if I’d ever thought of been assessed. I felt insulted at first and laughed it off but the seed had already been planted.

    I spent a few months researching and everything I came across was exactly like me. It genuinely was like reading about myself. After a short time I started accepting that I probably do have quite a few ADHD symptoms and tried to get on with my life. There was no need to get assessed because I couldn’t see what difference it would make and I didn’t want the label. Then slowly but surely the symptoms started to get worse with perimenopause, to the point where I thought something was actually wrong with me. I rang the doctors desperately wanting an appointment straight away and was crying so much the receptionist had to complete the appointment request for me. Within a few hours, I was sat with the most wonderful doctor who prescribed HRT and said I should go for an ADHD assessment. I still didn’t see the point in getting assessed because it wouldn’t change anything and I hadn’t even considered taking medication for it. In fact I was completely against the option.

    The HRT helped me massively but it took about 6 weeks to fully kick in. I still felt like I was having problems concentrating and some days I couldn’t sit at my desk for more than ten minutes, and I kept thinking about this assessment. I decided to go through with it because the medication could help but the only way to get it was through a diagnosis. A couple of weeks later I went back to the doctor and asked if I could be referred. The waiting list was six to eight weeks and during this time I spoke to a few people who’d told me about others who were taking ADHD medication and it had been life-changing for them. I had my first appointment with the ADHD clinic. The whole process was extremely thorough and involved my mum who could talk about my birth and childhood. All together I had about four appointments over an eight-month period and I was diagnosed with the combined type of ADHD. I was fully expecting it so didn’t really feel any different to be honest. I did feel sorry for young Claire who struggled at school and could have done so much better, but that was in the nineties when we didn’t know about anxiety and other mental health conditions.

    It’s almost a year since I was diagnosed and I can’t tell you how much different life is. From the first time I took the medication until today, I feel like the noise and low-level hum have disappeared. I can actually sit at my desk and get s decent amount of work done within the hour and I don’t need to spend my evenings working late to catch up. And now, I also understand my addiction to alcohol, amongst other things a lot more. I was constantly looking for that dopamine hit and the alcohol was being used to dull the ADHD symptoms. I still get those feelings and cravings, but I’m able to deal with them so much better.

    I spent a few months trying to find ways of making my day-to-day life easier, and found that planners for almost everything were my way forward, and being able to tick things off. I couldn’t find anything online that matched what I wanted; they all felt too loud and busy so I started to make my own. Then recently I built an Etsy shop selling them for a small fee in the hope that they would help others find a better way of coping. If you’re struggling with alcohol or think it may be linked to ADHD, please talk to someone. The information I was given was so helpful and all of a sudden, 20 years of my life made sense.

    Here’s to the next 20 + 20 + 20 …

  • Do we borrow belief?

    Do we borrow belief?

    I knew I wanted to come back to this blog but I got stuck and didn’t know what to write. Life is very different for me now and I’ve found a much less stressful way of living. I’m happy and settled anyway. Then I started to ask myself what I wanted this site to be. Somewhere to journal for myself? Somewhere for my friends and family to see my progress? Or somewhere people can go to find help? I realised it’s the latter. That day I moved to The Isle Of Man I was desperate and looking for someone who looked like me, spoke like me and struggled through life like me. I searched and searched but nothing seemed to match. Fast forward ten years and today, I have become the person I was looking for.

    I’d had enough of waking up feeling crap knowing I have to get through a day at work. I’d had enough of that dread of looking at my phone and seeing what I’ve texted, bought or spent. I’d had enough of people saying “you were funny last night”, or more importantly “you were a nightmare last night”. I still cringe now when I think back to some of the things I did and said. And all along, deep down I knew I could be that different person living the settled, happy life that I saw others having. I’ve always thought I didn’t believe in myself but there must have been some belief or I wouldn’t have taken that first step. It takes guts to pack up and put yourself on a ferry to an island you’ve never been to before. One thing I do remember is thinking that’s the only way it would be possible. If I took myself away from drinking buddies, and walked away from the social life I was used to. I needed to be in isolation for a while to just sit and figure out what I wanted from my life. We only get one chance and what’s the point in spending it miserable for another 50+ years? That’s if I actually made it past middle age! I was 37 when I realised something had to change.

    There are certain situations that I know made a difference. My mum saying “if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for me”. My friend Anita saying “you need to knock it on the head, darling”. Then seeing my friend Kev posting about his recovery journey on Facebook. People ask me now how did I manage to stop drinking and I can’t think of a single reason. It was years of feeling shit, tired and being average at anything I did. I wanted to be a better person and I don’t know where the motivation came from but I found it deep down somewhere. I was absolutely desperate for change and a life I was proud of.

    I would check in with my mum every day. We’ve always been close and I couldn’t have got where I am without her – she has been my rock. I remember hearing her say “you can do this, Claire” and I used to wonder where she got that belief in me from. It did work though and I’ve always said she believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. But maybe I did and I borrowed her belief for a bit? Belief had to be there for me to do something about it. When someone else believes in you it makes you think it can be possible. Then you take the next step and do something about it. That’s when I went to SMART Recovery and found my people. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t easy. I was absolutely shitting myself when I walked into that room and was about 30 seconds away from walking out again but the meeting started and I felt I had to stay put. Then you hear people talking about their journey and what they’ve come through. You start thinking I’m not as bad as them, or they’re not as bad as me. What I learnt from those meetings is you don’t have to be at a certain level to be a problem drinker. If it’s an issue for you or your questioning whether you have a drink problem or not, you probably have.

    The day I got fired from my job I recognised I had a problem. The day my mum said I can do it, I borrowed her belief. The day I joined SMART Recovery I found I belonged somewhere. Then I found the belief in myself to do something about it. If you’re reading this and it sounds like you, then take that first step and reach out. Whether that be to a friend, a family member or messaging me, someone will lend you their belief until you find it yourself. They will help you find your people and it’ll be the best decision you’ve ever made.

  • How time flies

    How time flies

    I can’t believe it’s been five whole years since I last posted. To be honest I haven’t even thought about this site for a very long time, until I had a conversation last weekend. A lot has happened since then but to answer the question you’re waiting for, I am 5 years and 11 months sober! It’s not been an easy ride but definitely worth every battle and all the changes I’ve made.

    I’ve also been single for 5 years … I didn’t think I was capable of that but now I’m very happy with life and love my space. It would be nice to meet someone and settle down but I’m in no hurry. Sobriety has become the single most important part of my life. So much so, I’ve probably isolated myself a little bit.

    There was so many things I did in the beginning to keep myself busy that I don’t do now. When I look back, I just don’t recognise that person anymore. I’d literally have to live life hour by hour and have plans written down what I would do throughout the day just to keep my thoughts from wandering to drink … walk five miles, run three miles, meditate for an hour, write 300 words, shop daily! All so I was kept busy hour by hour over the weekend. During the week I was fine because work kept me busy.

    It doesn’t cross my mind to have a drink now and I gave up alochol free drinks a home a long time ago. I’ll have them when I’m out for a meal but I’m just not interested otherwise. I’m fine being around people having a pint as well. That’s something that a lot of people don’t expect but in my opinion it’s my problem and I’d rather people behave how they usually would. The only time I feel really uncomfortable is when the occasion is about drinking. Not because I’m worried I’ll want a drink, because I know I won’t, but because being in that environment takes me back to the old version of me and I’ve moved on so much I’d just rather not. I used to force myself into those situations because I’d be worried about what people thought but I feel, when you’ve worked really hard to get where you are, being in your comfort zone is the best option. People go on all the time about pushing yourself and “do something you’ve always been afraid of”. How about “I’m very happy in my comfort zone and I’d rather not thank you very much”?!

    I’ve also had some health issues and diagnosis which has answered a lot of issues but I’ll talk about those another time. I’m back for good and not going anywhere.

    Claire xx