I can’t believe it’s been five whole years since I last posted. To be honest I haven’t even thought about this site for a very long time, until I had a conversation last weekend. A lot has happened since then but to answer the question you’re waiting for, I am 5 years and 11 months sober! It’s not been an easy ride but definitely worth every battle and all the changes I’ve made.
I’ve also been single for 5 years … I didn’t think I was capable of that but now I’m very happy with life and love my space. It would be nice to meet someone and settle down but I’m in no hurry. Sobriety has become the single most important part of my life. So much so, I’ve probably isolated myself a little bit.
There was so many things I did in the beginning to keep myself busy that I don’t do now. When I look back, I just don’t recognise that person anymore. I’d literally have to live life hour by hour and have plans written down what I would do throughout the day just to keep my thoughts from wandering to drink … walk five miles, run three miles, meditate for an hour, write 300 words, shop daily! All so I was kept busy hour by hour over the weekend. During the week I was fine because work kept me busy.
It doesn’t cross my mind to have a drink now and I gave up alochol free drinks a home a long time ago. I’ll have them when I’m out for a meal but I’m just not interested otherwise. I’m fine being around people having a pint as well. That’s something that a lot of people don’t expect but in my opinion it’s my problem and I’d rather people behave how they usually would. The only time I feel really uncomfortable is when the occasion is about drinking. Not because I’m worried I’ll want a drink, because I know I won’t, but because being in that environment takes me back to the old version of me and I’ve moved on so much I’d just rather not. I used to force myself into those situations because I’d be worried about what people thought but I feel, when you’ve worked really hard to get where you are, being in your comfort zone is the best option. People go on all the time about pushing yourself and “do something you’ve always been afraid of”. How about “I’m very happy in my comfort zone and I’d rather not thank you very much”?!
I’ve also had some health issues and diagnosis which has answered a lot of issues but I’ll talk about those another time. I’m back for good and not going anywhere.
I know I’m late to the party and it’s been a while since I wrote anything on here. I’ve been thinking of posting for a few weeks but to be honest, I’ve no idea where to start. What a year!
The pandemic wasn’t really that much of a problem for us, until we tested positive a week before Christmas, but more of that later. Everyone has an opinion, everyone has a comment and COVID-19 has definitely brought the best and worst out in people, on social media or not. I stopped watching the news on a regular basis a while ago. It was causing me so much anxiety and I just can’t handle it anymore. I’ve also adjusted my social media to reflect more positive news rather than ‘the virus this and the virus that’. I’m gobsmacked how many ignorant and selfish people are out there to be quite honest. Don’t get me started on the people that are convinced they’ve had the virus but kept quiet through fear of making family/friends/colleagues isolate. If I know of a few culprits, imagine how many there are we don’t know about!
“The world has enough beautiful mountains and meadows, spectacular skies and serene lakes. It has enough lush forests, flowered fields, and sandy beaches. It has plenty of stars and the promise of a new sunrise and sunset every day. What the world needs more of is people to appreciate and enjoy it.”
—Michael Josephson
Anyway, we’ve missed being able to go for a meal and obviously missing out on three holidays was a bit rubbish, however we definitely made the correct decision and had a great time in the UK. We’ll make up for it in time, whether that’s this year or next year – it’s really not that big a deal. People are losing their parents, siblings, children, aunts, uncles and friends via online streaming. There’s worse things than not being able to get your hair done or going for a few pints, and it’s not going to be forever. If you’ve refused to wear a mask, social distance, or have the vaccine – wake the **** up! It’s you that’s stopping the pubs, salons and gyms opening. It’s like people who don’t vote complaining about the state of the country. If you didn’t do your bit, you’ve no right to complain.
I was on Furlough for three months from when we went into Lockdown 1. I went back into the office in July and stayed that way until just before Christmas. I had no COVID-19 symptoms whatsoever but was full of a cold for about two weeks. On 16th December I started with a headache and went for a test, even though I still had none of the main symptoms. JT and I were fully expecting a negative result and I received the text two days later. I casually looked for the message that would reassure me we’re all fine and couldn’t believe my eyes. It was positive so JT booked a test and was down at the centre within the hour. Don’t forget, neither of us have ANY symptoms at this point. The morning after I woke up feeling horrendous and I would spend the next five days in bed, eating only so I could take medication and getting out of bed to go to the toilet next door. I can see why the vulnerable have a lot less chance with this virus because those few steps to the toilet was like climbing a mountain. By this time, we fully expected JT’s result to come back positive and it did, a couple of days later. I’m not going to bore you with all the details because compared to some, we’re both extremely lucky, but to those who say the virus is like flu or a bad case of flu – it isn’t. I’ve had flu and it was so easy compared to this. I don’t get ill very often so I haven’t got much to compare it to but I’ve never felt as exhausted in all my life. I’ve definitely never had an illness that’s made me struggle for breath whilst talking on the phone! Wear a mask and keep your distance, PLEASE!
Thankfully, I’m working from home now and I hope things will stay that way for a while or until we’re out of lockdown, at least. For reasons I can’t talk about here, work has been very stressful for me and my priority at the moment has to be getting plenty of exercise, practising mindfulness and staying safe. As long as I’ve got everything I NEED (home, food, money to pay bills, safe family) I’m fine.
One thing I’m so thankful for, is my recovery and sobriety. For me the pandemic would have been a lot different without the knowledge I have around alcohol and mental health. There’s never been a better time to get sober and if you’re struggling with addiction, there’s tonnes of help out there at the moment. Recovery groups are hosting meetings via Zoom and if you just fancy feeling fab for a while or getting rid of the hangovers for good, there’s a ridiculous amount of alcohol free drinks out there at the moment.
This post is quite literally the most random I’ve ever written. I think the point of it was to get me back into writing my feelings down. It’s a challenge that’s been on it’s way for a few weeks. I’ve so much to say about the pandemic like a lot of people but we’ve all got such strong, differing opinions it’s difficult to express them. My advice would be to ignore and move on from comments on social media. Getting involved with that crap gets you nowhere.
I’ve been laid in bed awake since 0530 and I started this post about an hour later. It’s now just after 0800 and I’ve got JT shoving her bum into my side and Daisy the Beagle UNDER the covers (that only happens on ‘washing the duvet day’) with one paw shoved in my side and I’m clinging onto the bed. They’re both making that cute and comfy snory noise and it’s definitely a happy place. Work starts in 15 mins though so I need to shift myself and leave them to it.
I wish you all the best for 2021 and let’s hope the vaccine will bring an end to all this suffering and we will move on to better times very quickly. Peace out ✌️
On 28 October 2017 I moved into my house share on the Isle of Man. It was where the biggest change I’ve ever made in my life started, 3 years ago today. As I sit here typing this I’m filled with sadness, excitement and pride. I don’t recognise that person who was frantically emptying my tiny box car with the small amount of items I managed to take with me – my clothes, a few pictures to remind me why I was on that crazy journey and a few essentials. I can’t remember how much cash I had available to me, but I know it was less than £50. I didn’t have a clue how things were going to go but what I did know was that I needed to get a job ASAP which was pretty daunting knowing that it would take 2 weeks to get a work permit and that was from the date of being offered a job.
When I started this blog it was the one thing that kept me going. It gave me something to do and stopped me thinking about going for a drink and writing my problems down reminded me I was making the right choice by changing my ways. I don’t feel the need to write anymore but it’s nice to post a little update on special dates like today.
When I look back I can’t believe how much my life has changed. I’m like a completely different person and I’m now the person who I was always meant to be and not the one I thought people wanted me to be. My mum once asked me about how I felt when I was struggling and the only way I could describe it was every day I felt like I was balancing on a tightrope and about to fall off several times a day.
The photo above was taken on the morning of 29 October 2017, and is the result of my last binge, three years ago today. The cuts probably don’t look that bad really but it’s what was going through my mind and the horrendous feeling of failure and sadness I felt that sticks. I’d relapsed after 15 days sober and absolutely knew I had turn things around. I was a mess, my life was a mess and I was destroying everything.
Three years on and life couldn’t be any different. I have a job I enjoy, a great circle of friends and an amazing partner who I moved in with at the beginning of lockdown. JT has contributed to my recovery more than she knows. Being settled has finally given me the security and comfort I so desperately needed and I didn’t realise this until very recently. I thought I’d done all my grieving for my dad but now I know I’ve only just started. Seven years later!
It’s strange because so many things along the way have contributed to my recovery which I’ve only recently realised. I was nowhere near ready for a relationship when I met JT and I still had a lot of work to do. In fact, when I returned from the Isle of Man in August 2018 I was still a lot more vulnerable than I actually thought I was. Eventually it lead to me drinking in moderation which did work to a certain extent but I’ve realised now, it’s not for me. I don’t regret having a go at moderation because I do believe we have to try lots of routes before we find the one for us. Obviously, everyone’s recovery is different and that could be more dangerous for some than others. A lot of thought went into my plan and it was a process that lasted over a year.
Some of you will be wondering why I talk about being 3 years into my recovery when I’m 5 months sober. I chose to drink in moderation and I thought long and hard about it. Yes, it was a relapse but through the whole of this journey since that day in 2017, I’ve been making positive changes and trying to be the best version of myself that I possibly can. As long as that continues, I’m in recovery. It’s so important that people realise a recovery date doesn’t determine a sober date.
I won’t bore you with the details of my recovery because it’s all here on my blog somewhere but it really is the best thing I’ve ever done and I don’t regret a minute of it. Do I regret taking it too far in the past? Not really, because I believe we go through these situations, obstacles and processes to become the person we’re meant to be. Do I regret meeting some of the people along the way? Hell yeah! But they also did their bit. They made me strong as fuck and determined to make something of myself.
