My Recovery So Far

Sobriety delivers everything alcohol promised…

recent posts

    • Happy New Year

      Happy New Year

      I know I’m late to the party and it’s been a while since I wrote anything on here. I’ve been thinking of posting for a few weeks but to be honest, I’ve no idea where to start. What a year!

      The pandemic wasn’t really that much of a problem for us, until we tested positive a week before Christmas, but more of that later. Everyone has an opinion, everyone has a comment and COVID-19 has definitely brought the best and worst out in people, on social media or not. I stopped watching the news on a regular basis a while ago. It was causing me so much anxiety and I just can’t handle it anymore. I’ve also adjusted my social media to reflect more positive news rather than ‘the virus this and the virus that’. I’m gobsmacked how many ignorant and selfish people are out there to be quite honest. Don’t get me started on the people that are convinced they’ve had the virus but kept quiet through fear of making family/friends/colleagues isolate. If I know of a few culprits, imagine how many there are we don’t know about!

      “The world has enough beautiful mountains and meadows, spectacular skies and serene lakes. It has enough lush forests, flowered fields, and sandy beaches. It has plenty of stars and the promise of a new sunrise and sunset every day. What the world needs more of is people to appreciate and enjoy it.”

      —Michael Josephson

      Anyway, we’ve missed being able to go for a meal and obviously missing out on three holidays was a bit rubbish, however we definitely made the correct decision and had a great time in the UK. We’ll make up for it in time, whether that’s this year or next year – it’s really not that big a deal. People are losing their parents, siblings, children, aunts, uncles and friends via online streaming. There’s worse things than not being able to get your hair done or going for a few pints, and it’s not going to be forever. If you’ve refused to wear a mask, social distance, or have the vaccine – wake the **** up! It’s you that’s stopping the pubs, salons and gyms opening. It’s like people who don’t vote complaining about the state of the country. If you didn’t do your bit, you’ve no right to complain.

      I was on Furlough for three months from when we went into Lockdown 1. I went back into the office in July and stayed that way until just before Christmas. I had no COVID-19 symptoms whatsoever but was full of a cold for about two weeks. On 16th December I started with a headache and went for a test, even though I still had none of the main symptoms. JT and I were fully expecting a negative result and I received the text two days later. I casually looked for the message that would reassure me we’re all fine and couldn’t believe my eyes. It was positive so JT booked a test and was down at the centre within the hour. Don’t forget, neither of us have ANY symptoms at this point. The morning after I woke up feeling horrendous and I would spend the next five days in bed, eating only so I could take medication and getting out of bed to go to the toilet next door. I can see why the vulnerable have a lot less chance with this virus because those few steps to the toilet was like climbing a mountain. By this time, we fully expected JT’s result to come back positive and it did, a couple of days later. I’m not going to bore you with all the details because compared to some, we’re both extremely lucky, but to those who say the virus is like flu or a bad case of flu – it isn’t. I’ve had flu and it was so easy compared to this. I don’t get ill very often so I haven’t got much to compare it to but I’ve never felt as exhausted in all my life. I’ve definitely never had an illness that’s made me struggle for breath whilst talking on the phone! Wear a mask and keep your distance, PLEASE!

      Thankfully, I’m working from home now and I hope things will stay that way for a while or until we’re out of lockdown, at least. For reasons I can’t talk about here, work has been very stressful for me and my priority at the moment has to be getting plenty of exercise, practising mindfulness and staying safe. As long as I’ve got everything I NEED (home, food, money to pay bills, safe family) I’m fine.

      One thing I’m so thankful for, is my recovery and sobriety. For me the pandemic would have been a lot different without the knowledge I have around alcohol and mental health. There’s never been a better time to get sober and if you’re struggling with addiction, there’s tonnes of help out there at the moment. Recovery groups are hosting meetings via Zoom and if you just fancy feeling fab for a while or getting rid of the hangovers for good, there’s a ridiculous amount of alcohol free drinks out there at the moment.

      This post is quite literally the most random I’ve ever written. I think the point of it was to get me back into writing my feelings down. It’s a challenge that’s been on it’s way for a few weeks. I’ve so much to say about the pandemic like a lot of people but we’ve all got such strong, differing opinions it’s difficult to express them. My advice would be to ignore and move on from comments on social media. Getting involved with that crap gets you nowhere.

      I’ve been laid in bed awake since 0530 and I started this post about an hour later. It’s now just after 0800 and I’ve got JT shoving her bum into my side and Daisy the Beagle UNDER the covers (that only happens on ‘washing the duvet day’) with one paw shoved in my side and I’m clinging onto the bed. They’re both making that cute and comfy snory noise and it’s definitely a happy place. Work starts in 15 mins though so I need to shift myself and leave them to it.

      I wish you all the best for 2021 and let’s hope the vaccine will bring an end to all this suffering and we will move on to better times very quickly. Peace out ✌️

    • 3 years ago

      3 years ago

      On 28 October 2017 I moved into my house share on the Isle of Man. It was where the biggest change I’ve ever made in my life started, 3 years ago today. As I sit here typing this I’m filled with sadness, excitement and pride. I don’t recognise that person who was frantically emptying my tiny box car with the small amount of items I managed to take with me – my clothes, a few pictures to remind me why I was on that crazy journey and a few essentials. I can’t remember how much cash I had available to me, but I know it was less than £50. I didn’t have a clue how things were going to go but what I did know was that I needed to get a job ASAP which was pretty daunting knowing that it would take 2 weeks to get a work permit and that was from the date of being offered a job.

      When I started this blog it was the one thing that kept me going. It gave me something to do and stopped me thinking about going for a drink and writing my problems down reminded me I was making the right choice by changing my ways. I don’t feel the need to write anymore but it’s nice to post a little update on special dates like today.

      When I look back I can’t believe how much my life has changed. I’m like a completely different person and I’m now the person who I was always meant to be and not the one I thought people wanted me to be. My mum once asked me about how I felt when I was struggling and the only way I could describe it was every day I felt like I was balancing on a tightrope and about to fall off several times a day.

      The photo above was taken on the morning of 29 October 2017, and is the result of my last binge, three years ago today. The cuts probably don’t look that bad really but it’s what was going through my mind and the horrendous feeling of failure and sadness I felt that sticks. I’d relapsed after 15 days sober and absolutely knew I had turn things around. I was a mess, my life was a mess and I was destroying everything.

      Three years on and life couldn’t be any different. I have a job I enjoy, a great circle of friends and an amazing partner who I moved in with at the beginning of lockdown. JT has contributed to my recovery more than she knows. Being settled has finally given me the security and comfort I so desperately needed and I didn’t realise this until very recently. I thought I’d done all my grieving for my dad but now I know I’ve only just started. Seven years later!

      It’s strange because so many things along the way have contributed to my recovery which I’ve only recently realised. I was nowhere near ready for a relationship when I met JT and I still had a lot of work to do. In fact, when I returned from the Isle of Man in August 2018 I was still a lot more vulnerable than I actually thought I was. Eventually it lead to me drinking in moderation which did work to a certain extent but I’ve realised now, it’s not for me. I don’t regret having a go at moderation because I do believe we have to try lots of routes before we find the one for us. Obviously, everyone’s recovery is different and that could be more dangerous for some than others. A lot of thought went into my plan and it was a process that lasted over a year.

      Some of you will be wondering why I talk about being 3 years into my recovery when I’m 5 months sober. I chose to drink in moderation and I thought long and hard about it. Yes, it was a relapse but through the whole of this journey since that day in 2017, I’ve been making positive changes and trying to be the best version of myself that I possibly can. As long as that continues, I’m in recovery. It’s so important that people realise a recovery date doesn’t determine a sober date.

      I won’t bore you with the details of my recovery because it’s all here on my blog somewhere but it really is the best thing I’ve ever done and I don’t regret a minute of it. Do I regret taking it too far in the past? Not really, because I believe we go through these situations, obstacles and processes to become the person we’re meant to be. Do I regret meeting some of the people along the way? Hell yeah! But they also did their bit. They made me strong as fuck and determined to make something of myself.

      1,095 days of recovery and 172 days sober…

      Stay strong, stay positive & keep fighting.

      Claire xx

    • 50 days sober, again

      50 days sober, again

      Hello again,

      It’s good to be back.

      As many of you will know, this is my second time of hitting the 50 days sober milestone. I’m back on the wagon, and this time is different. I’m staying sober knowing it’s what I want and I don’t have the ‘can I moderate/should I moderate’ hanging over me. When I decided to get sober on 29th October 2017, I knew I didn’t want to be sober forever. I knew I had to sort my life out because I was in this downward spiral, slowing killing myself and destroying almost every relationship that entered my life, but I also knew I didn’t want it to be forever. Maybe I was in denial, I don’t know. Anyway, I tried moderation for a year and I decided it’s not for me. This time staying sober is for real and although my recovery will always be taken one day at a time, I’m finding things a lot easier and the benefits are even more enjoyable than the first time round.

      People often ask me if I miss alcohol and it always amazes me when people say they drink to get drunk and don’t find that slightly odd. With all the alcohol free options available now, it’s difficult to miss having a beer but obviously if you’re drinking to get pissed, you will miss alcohol, because that’s what it does. We’ve come a long way since AF beers tasted nothing like they’re supposed to and today, you wouldn’t know the difference with a lot of them. I tested my brother a couple of weeks ago. He loves Leffe and I poured him a glass of Leffe 0.0 and he had no idea until I pointed it out.

      If you are drinking only to get drunk, whether you think so or not, that is definitely having a drink problem. It doesn’t matter whether you don’t drink every day, month or year. If you drink to deal with emotions/feelings or don’t know when to stop once you’ve started, you should seek help. You can find some links for organisations in my post Feeling comfortable with vulnerability.

      I knew my drinking was a problem from around the age of 19. I would kid myself into thinking I didn’t have a problem because ‘I was only doing what everyone else was’ but I was using alcohol to cope with mental health problems, therefore I knew deep down that I had issues with alcohol. Also, I wasn’t doing what everyone else was. Other people didn’t stay out on their own, with strangers and they actually made it home before 3am. My other problem was, I didn’t know where to start with stopping or dealing with my mental health in the correct way.

      So, when I had 14 months sober under my belt, I decided I didn’t have a drink problem anymore and I missed red wine too much so I thought I’d give moderation a go. I’d be very naive to think I’d manage this without any slip ups and I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I thought I was pretty much prepared for any difficult situation my knew challenge may bring. I’m not going to go into massive detail but there was a couple of occasions where things went back to the very dark days and I became the person I’ve fought so hard to get away from. On most occasions, I was able to have a couple of drinks and leave it there, feeling happy. That was mainly when I was with JT, close friends and my mum. Put me with my drinking buddies from back in the day and I’m straight back to where I was. I don’t regret trying moderation because I’ve been making positive changes to my life ever since I decided to quit drinking alcohol the first time around. I’ve scratched that itch now and I know it’s not for me. Also, I know exactly what to expect and what I need to do this time round. I’m prepared with the tools I need and I’m enjoying the highs that sobriety brings more than ever.

      The benefits that staying sober brings will always outweigh anything that alcohol brings. My fitness has never been better. I’m 41 years old, loving my exercise (something I thought I’d never say) and in the best shape I’ve ever been! I wake up feeling great after 6-7 hours sleep and I don’t hit the snooze button several times making me 45 mins late. When I was drinking I always needed 10 hours sleep and felt horrendous most mornings which made my time keeping horrendous. I can run 10k no problem and I’m hitting PB’s all the time. Something else I thought I’d never say! I eat foods that are good for me and have the discipline to treat myself now and again. I say no to fast food. In my drinking days I would eat McDonald’s, Subway or KFC on a daily basis! The thought of it now makes me cringe. I’m enjoying the simple things that life brings and I take pleasure in what I’ve got, rather than being annoyed at what I haven’t got. Like everyone, I have my moments but without alcohol, life is really good.

      I’ve tried moderation and it worked to a certain extent, but I actually missed the positivity that staying sober brings.

      I still get anxiety but it’s manageable. My depression hasn’t been around for almost 2 years!

      That’s me, on day 50.

      Claire

    • Recovery in lockdown

      Recovery in lockdown

      I haven’t written anything for a while because I feel I’ve explained what I needed to and leaving my blog at 2 years later seemed a perfect way to end. I often wondered if anything would bring me back and whether I’d have anything to add to My Recovery So Far but I never dreamt it would be about dealing with my mental health whilst the whole country is in lockdown!

      Like a lot of people, it took me a while to take Coronavirus, Covid-19 (whichever you prefer) seriously. In fact, we still went on our holiday to Gran Canaria on 14th March although, JT wasn’t very happy with this and would have preferred to stay at home. I convinced her to stick with the plan as we contacted the hotel the evening before we were due to fly and the receptionist assured us that everything was running as usual over there. Obviously, I knew this could change any moment but I was prepared to take the risk (I’d been looking forward to this holiday for weeks) and we had travel insurance. Everything was fine at the airport and our journey out there was pretty much the same as the previous year when we went for my 40th (we loved it so decided to go back). We had a fabulous first day and then bam, the worst happened. The whole of the island went into lockdown from midnight! I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared but to keep me sane and stop me overthinking I tried to make the best of what we had and enjoy some time in the sun. We were allowed to walk around the hotel, sunbathe in our garden and shop at the local supermarket across the road, but unlike the UK lockdown, exercise wasn’t allowed. The hotel wasn’t that big so our only walk was around the grounds which would last maybe 30 mins max. I probably came across like I didn’t give a shit but I honestly had to make the best of the situation and stay positive because once my negative overthinking starts I find it really difficult to get out of that thought process. To cut a long story short, I had a lovely few days in the sun but JT struggled a bit so we decided to come home early. We managed to get on a rescue flight on Wednesday cutting our holiday short by 4 days. It was the most surreal journey home of my life so far and quiet scary really. The difference in people and the way we all started to go about life was quiet scary and this was only after a few days. The media doesn’t help as it insists on spreading negative news and concentrating on the death tolls rather than how many people are recovering from this awful virus. Anyway, it’s a good job we did get on that early flight home as JT received a text when we landed in Manchester saying our return flight on Saturday had been cancelled. I most definitely had my tail between my legs and will listen to her next time! Lesson learnt …

      I was back at work the day after our holiday. I felt fine and was just glad to be back home to be honest. Taking the pandemic a lot more seriously now, reading more in the news and anxiety sets in. Seriously, social media has a lot to answer for when it comes to mental health. It’s alright using it to spread awareness, but jeez, some of the stuff I’ve seen online recently would send anyone into meltdown.

      On Monday I went into work as usual but was feeling extremely anxious. It usually takes me 1 hour 15 mins to get into the office and I was there in 45 mins, due to the roads being very quiet. A bonus for my commute but still very surreal and something to get the negative thoughts going. I spent the first couple of hours trying to calm myself down. Once anxiety sets in, some people find it difficult to get out of that negative thought process and rid of the physical symptoms. I know I have in the past and it’s one of the things I really struggled with. I’d get anxious about getting anxious because that brought the symptoms on, then I’d be worrying that I wouldn’t be able to get rid of them. With what I’ve learnt from previous therapy, I was able to sort myself out pretty quickly and get back into work mode. It was a very tough week as the virus spread quickly and our office block which is part hotel became more and more deserted. My boss made the sensible decision to work from home and put the office staff on the government furlough scheme. I know this was the right decision but almost instantly I was starting to worry about how I would keep myself busy and from having some kind of meltdown through the boredom of being at home with nothing to do and nowhere to go. I’ve always said our own mental health makes us selfish but sometimes we have good reason to be that way.

      Then on Friday evening, Boris Johnson closes all pubs, cafes, restaurants, gyms and leisure centres. After seeing this happen whilst in Gran Canaria, I knew lockdown wasn’t far away. I work in the transport industry and although I’m not on the front line myself, I was still able to go into the office and work from the safety of my desk, which I was very thankful for. At times like this, keeping busy is all we need sometimes and with work being so busy (supermarket & NHS deliveries) it was the only thing keeping my mind away from the negative news and crazy social media articles.

      I’m on week 3 of lockdown at home and I can honestly say I’m enjoying the free time. This horrific situation has given me the chance to spend quality time with JT (we’ve definitely had our moments) but we’re still smiling, having time to find new interests and generally having time to myself and enjoying the simple things that are free. The first week was a bit strange because I got bored and didn’t really know what to do with myself at times but I’m definitely into the swing of things now. I’m back into my exercise and going for a run or walk every day. I’ve started an online learning course about mental health, I’ve been catching up an all the box sets I’ve been making lists of, playing Scrabble and generally keeping myself busy to stay on top of my mental health. If anything good comes from this awful situation then I hope it’s given people the chance to realise how lucky we are and to focus on the important things in life. I’m missing my family like crazy but I know it won’t be forever. I can’t wait to see my mum and give her the biggest hug ever. We live 20 miles apart so I can’t justify travelling all that way to sit on the wall for a chat so I’m being patient as I know we’ll see each other soon. Social media can be an awful place at times but what would we have done without it over the last few weeks?

      Being on lockdown has also made me realise how far I’ve come with my recovery. In fact, thank God for my recovery because I’d have been a total mess without it at the moment. I was talking to JT about how the old me, drinking me would have managed lockdown and being at home. It’s quite scary to think about it really because I know how much I’d have struggled. I would have been drunk most days, made alcohol my priority when shopping, not stuck to any of the government advice, woke up anxious every morning due to my alcohol consumption, suffered with depression due to not being able to handle my overthinking and beer fear, made my mum’s life a nightmare because I’d have been on the phone all the time saying how crap I feel and ultimately, been a complete mess and continued on a downward spiral into God only knows where.

      I’m so thankful for my recovery and I’m proud of myself for achieving what a lot of people said I wouldn’t. I’m not pointing the finger and saying “I told you so”. Instead, I’m saying that if you want something enough and you’re committed to making changes, then you can achieve it. I’m still drinking alcohol in moderation and that’s the way things have been for a while now. I strongly believe that recovery doesn’t mean sobriety but I would advise staying sober for at least a year before considering moderation. My problem was binge drinking and it’s completely different to alcohol addiction. I was in the habit of using alcohol to deal with my problems which in turn became an addiction. I now deal with my problems without alcohol and enjoy alcohol in moderation when I’m feeling fine and positive. My whole thought process around alcohol has changed and I don’t feel the need to drown my sorrows or drink when I’m sad. I’ll have one bottle of beer maybe two or three times a week when I feel like one. Just as you would with tea, coffee or a can of pop. It very rarely goes onto a second bottle and my choice of tipple at the moment is Bud Light. You’d have to have a few of them before you got the fuzzy feeling!

      Anyway, I’m back, it felt good to write all this down and I hope you enjoyed the read.

      Before I go, I’d like to thank every single person working on the frontline and a big thank you to all the supermarket staff for keeping us in bog roll! Thank you to the amazing staff working for the NHS. You’re my real heroes and I genuinely don’t know how you’re getting through this nightmare. It takes a very special person to do what you do and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

      Take care, stay HOME, stay safe and hopefully next time I write, we’ll be allowed out!

    • 2 years later

      2 years later

      I can’t believe it’s been a whole two years already. It was 29th October 2017 when I decided enough was enough and I’ve never looked back since. I’m not going to say it’s been easy because it definitely hasn’t and there’s still days when I struggle now, but don’t we all?! It’s how we deal with those days that matters. I know the negative feelings are temporary and not going to last forever. I don’t drown my sorrows with alcohol because I know that only makes the feelings ten times worse in the long run, and I know those feelings will pass which is usually by the next day.

      I’ve written blog posts before about how I always knew I didn’t want to be sober forever. A lot of people told me I would never be able to drink in moderation because I didn’t know when to stop once I started drinking alcohol. It’s taken 2 years, but I recently returned from my first holiday where I drank alcohol every single day, in moderation and didn’t get drunk once. In fact, the most drinks I had in one sitting was three and that was because I ordered a jug of sangria and left some of it! Yes, that’s right. I actually chose to leave some alcohol rather than chuck it down my throat. I don’t choose to drink every time I go into a bar. Sometimes I’ll have the alcohol free option, but I’ve got to a point now where, if I want to have a beer, I’ll have one. My thinking around alcohol has completely changed and it’s very rare I even consider having a drink now. I would never choose to buy alcohol for at home and that’s where I drank most of the time. Two bottles of red wine when I got home from work was always the first thing on my mind. Now I only drink when I go to an event, go out for a meal or when we’re on holiday. But even then I drank alcohol free most afternoons. They have loads of AF beers in Spain. Just ask for ‘sans alcohol’.

      I’ve seen a lot of posts on the Club Soda Facebook page recently from people asking if drinking alcohol in moderation is possible. This was a question I desperately wanted answering when I was in the early stages of recovery as well and I posted exactly the same question on that page when I was about 6 months sober. It’s not likely you’re going to get the answer you want from those sites because in my opinion, most people who decide to quit alcohol wouldn’t even consider moderation because they’re too scared of relapse and failure. There’s no point posting this question on these pages because you’re never going to get the answer you want. What I will say is, if you want it bad enough and you’re prepared for trip ups and having to take a small step backwards on the odd occasion then yes, it is possible. I’ve done it and will continue to do so! The slip ups and starting again a couple of times have all been worth it. I knew I wouldn’t manage moderation the first time but I got there eventually and it feels amazing!

      Before deciding to have a go at moderation, one thing that you need to consider is why you have a drink problem. I believe that I’m able to drink in moderation because I was your typical binge drinker who didn’t know when to stop. I think there’s a lot more people out there with the same problem than people realise and they get mistaken for ‘alcoholics’. Just because you don’t know when to stop drinking alcohol, doesn’t mean you’re an alcoholic. What is an alcoholic anyway? I think the term should be abolished. Not knowing when to stop drinking alcohol may just be a habit you’ve got yourself into after 20 years of partying and doing the same thing. Maybe all you need is a reset? That’s exactly what I needed. Staying sober for 14 months gave me the chance to rethink why I drank so much and helped me deal with the real problems that laid underneath. It gave me the chance to deal with with my depression and anxiety properly, without the complication of alcohol being in my system. It made me realise I can cope with problems without drowning my sorrows.

      The photo above is from 2 years ago today. It was taken the morning after my last binge, just before starting my recovery journey. I woke up with the bed covered in blood, my hand throbbing with pain and the worst hangover I’ve ever known. I was having suicidal thoughts and genuinely thought there was no point to my life. I’d only been on the island a couple of weeks so had no idea where the hospital was and didn’t know anyone to ask. I searched for it on my sat nav and prayed it was a short journey so I could get there quickly. I spent over 4 hours in A&E, alone. It was that moment when I decided I’d had enough of feeling shit and living a life of nothing. I needed to sort my life out and make something of myself.

      2 years later, I can proudly say I’m able to enjoy alcohol the way it’s intended, I’m very happy with my life and living it to the full, as I’ve always wanted.

      29/10/17 is my day to remember.

      Thanks for reading,

      Claire xx