My Recovery So Far

Sobriety delivers everything alcohol promised…

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  • Do we borrow belief?

    Do we borrow belief?

    I knew I wanted to come back to this blog but I got stuck and didn’t know what to write. Life is very different for me now and I’ve found a much less stressful way of living. I’m happy and settled anyway. Then I started to ask myself what I wanted this site to be. Somewhere to journal for myself? Somewhere for my friends and family to see my progress? Or somewhere people can go to find help? I realised it’s the latter. That day I moved to The Isle Of Man I was desperate and looking for someone who looked like me, spoke like me and struggled through life like me. I searched and searched but nothing seemed to match. Fast forward ten years and today, I have become the person I was looking for.

    I’d had enough of waking up feeling crap knowing I have to get through a day at work. I’d had enough of that dread of looking at my phone and seeing what I’ve texted, bought or spent. I’d had enough of people saying “you were funny last night”, or more importantly “you were a nightmare last night”. I still cringe now when I think back to some of the things I did and said. And all along, deep down I knew I could be that different person living the settled, happy life that I saw others having. I’ve always thought I didn’t believe in myself but there must have been some belief or I wouldn’t have taken that first step. It takes guts to pack up and put yourself on a ferry to an island you’ve never been to before. One thing I do remember is thinking that’s the only way it would be possible. If I took myself away from drinking buddies, and walked away from the social life I was used to. I needed to be in isolation for a while to just sit and figure out what I wanted from my life. We only get one chance and what’s the point in spending it miserable for another 50+ years? That’s if I actually made it past middle age! I was 37 when I realised something had to change.

    There are certain situations that I know made a difference. My mum saying “if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for me”. My friend Anita saying “you need to knock it on the head, darling”. Then seeing my friend Kev posting about his recovery journey on Facebook. People ask me now how did I manage to stop drinking and I can’t think of a single reason. It was years of feeling shit, tired and being average at anything I did. I wanted to be a better person and I don’t know where the motivation came from but I found it deep down somewhere. I was absolutely desperate for change and a life I was proud of.

    I would check in with my mum every day. We’ve always been close and I couldn’t have got where I am without her – she has been my rock. I remember hearing her say “you can do this, Claire” and I used to wonder where she got that belief in me from. It did work though and I’ve always said she believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. But maybe I did and I borrowed her belief for a bit? Belief had to be there for me to do something about it. When someone else believes in you it makes you think it can be possible. Then you take the next step and do something about it. That’s when I went to SMART Recovery and found my people. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t easy. I was absolutely shitting myself when I walked into that room and was about 30 seconds away from walking out again but the meeting started and I felt I had to stay put. Then you hear people talking about their journey and what they’ve come through. You start thinking I’m not as bad as them, or they’re not as bad as me. What I learnt from those meetings is you don’t have to be at a certain level to be a problem drinker. If it’s an issue for you or your questioning whether you have a drink problem or not, you probably have.

    The day I got fired from my job I recognised I had a problem. The day my mum said I can do it, I borrowed her belief. The day I joined SMART Recovery I found I belonged somewhere. Then I found the belief in myself to do something about it. If you’re reading this and it sounds like you, then take that first step and reach out. Whether that be to a friend, a family member or messaging me, someone will lend you their belief until you find it yourself. They will help you find your people and it’ll be the best decision you’ve ever made.

  • How time flies

    How time flies

    I can’t believe it’s been five whole years since I last posted. To be honest I haven’t even thought about this site for a very long time, until I had a conversation last weekend. A lot has happened since then but to answer the question you’re waiting for, I am 5 years and 11 months sober! It’s not been an easy ride but definitely worth every battle and all the changes I’ve made.

    I’ve also been single for 5 years … I didn’t think I was capable of that but now I’m very happy with life and love my space. It would be nice to meet someone and settle down but I’m in no hurry. Sobriety has become the single most important part of my life. So much so, I’ve probably isolated myself a little bit.

    There was so many things I did in the beginning to keep myself busy that I don’t do now. When I look back, I just don’t recognise that person anymore. I’d literally have to live life hour by hour and have plans written down what I would do throughout the day just to keep my thoughts from wandering to drink … walk five miles, run three miles, meditate for an hour, write 300 words, shop daily! All so I was kept busy hour by hour over the weekend. During the week I was fine because work kept me busy.

    It doesn’t cross my mind to have a drink now and I gave up alochol free drinks a home a long time ago. I’ll have them when I’m out for a meal but I’m just not interested otherwise. I’m fine being around people having a pint as well. That’s something that a lot of people don’t expect but in my opinion it’s my problem and I’d rather people behave how they usually would. The only time I feel really uncomfortable is when the occasion is about drinking. Not because I’m worried I’ll want a drink, because I know I won’t, but because being in that environment takes me back to the old version of me and I’ve moved on so much I’d just rather not. I used to force myself into those situations because I’d be worried about what people thought but I feel, when you’ve worked really hard to get where you are, being in your comfort zone is the best option. People go on all the time about pushing yourself and “do something you’ve always been afraid of”. How about “I’m very happy in my comfort zone and I’d rather not thank you very much”?!

    I’ve also had some health issues and diagnosis which has answered a lot of issues but I’ll talk about those another time. I’m back for good and not going anywhere.

    Claire xx

  • Happy New Year

    Happy New Year

    I know I’m late to the party and it’s been a while since I wrote anything on here. I’ve been thinking of posting for a few weeks but to be honest, I’ve no idea where to start. What a year!

    The pandemic wasn’t really that much of a problem for us, until we tested positive a week before Christmas, but more of that later. Everyone has an opinion, everyone has a comment and COVID-19 has definitely brought the best and worst out in people, on social media or not. I stopped watching the news on a regular basis a while ago. It was causing me so much anxiety and I just can’t handle it anymore. I’ve also adjusted my social media to reflect more positive news rather than ‘the virus this and the virus that’. I’m gobsmacked how many ignorant and selfish people are out there to be quite honest. Don’t get me started on the people that are convinced they’ve had the virus but kept quiet through fear of making family/friends/colleagues isolate. If I know of a few culprits, imagine how many there are we don’t know about!

    “The world has enough beautiful mountains and meadows, spectacular skies and serene lakes. It has enough lush forests, flowered fields, and sandy beaches. It has plenty of stars and the promise of a new sunrise and sunset every day. What the world needs more of is people to appreciate and enjoy it.”

    —Michael Josephson

    Anyway, we’ve missed being able to go for a meal and obviously missing out on three holidays was a bit rubbish, however we definitely made the correct decision and had a great time in the UK. We’ll make up for it in time, whether that’s this year or next year – it’s really not that big a deal. People are losing their parents, siblings, children, aunts, uncles and friends via online streaming. There’s worse things than not being able to get your hair done or going for a few pints, and it’s not going to be forever. If you’ve refused to wear a mask, social distance, or have the vaccine – wake the **** up! It’s you that’s stopping the pubs, salons and gyms opening. It’s like people who don’t vote complaining about the state of the country. If you didn’t do your bit, you’ve no right to complain.

    I was on Furlough for three months from when we went into Lockdown 1. I went back into the office in July and stayed that way until just before Christmas. I had no COVID-19 symptoms whatsoever but was full of a cold for about two weeks. On 16th December I started with a headache and went for a test, even though I still had none of the main symptoms. JT and I were fully expecting a negative result and I received the text two days later. I casually looked for the message that would reassure me we’re all fine and couldn’t believe my eyes. It was positive so JT booked a test and was down at the centre within the hour. Don’t forget, neither of us have ANY symptoms at this point. The morning after I woke up feeling horrendous and I would spend the next five days in bed, eating only so I could take medication and getting out of bed to go to the toilet next door. I can see why the vulnerable have a lot less chance with this virus because those few steps to the toilet was like climbing a mountain. By this time, we fully expected JT’s result to come back positive and it did, a couple of days later. I’m not going to bore you with all the details because compared to some, we’re both extremely lucky, but to those who say the virus is like flu or a bad case of flu – it isn’t. I’ve had flu and it was so easy compared to this. I don’t get ill very often so I haven’t got much to compare it to but I’ve never felt as exhausted in all my life. I’ve definitely never had an illness that’s made me struggle for breath whilst talking on the phone! Wear a mask and keep your distance, PLEASE!

    Thankfully, I’m working from home now and I hope things will stay that way for a while or until we’re out of lockdown, at least. For reasons I can’t talk about here, work has been very stressful for me and my priority at the moment has to be getting plenty of exercise, practising mindfulness and staying safe. As long as I’ve got everything I NEED (home, food, money to pay bills, safe family) I’m fine.

    One thing I’m so thankful for, is my recovery and sobriety. For me the pandemic would have been a lot different without the knowledge I have around alcohol and mental health. There’s never been a better time to get sober and if you’re struggling with addiction, there’s tonnes of help out there at the moment. Recovery groups are hosting meetings via Zoom and if you just fancy feeling fab for a while or getting rid of the hangovers for good, there’s a ridiculous amount of alcohol free drinks out there at the moment.

    This post is quite literally the most random I’ve ever written. I think the point of it was to get me back into writing my feelings down. It’s a challenge that’s been on it’s way for a few weeks. I’ve so much to say about the pandemic like a lot of people but we’ve all got such strong, differing opinions it’s difficult to express them. My advice would be to ignore and move on from comments on social media. Getting involved with that crap gets you nowhere.

    I’ve been laid in bed awake since 0530 and I started this post about an hour later. It’s now just after 0800 and I’ve got JT shoving her bum into my side and Daisy the Beagle UNDER the covers (that only happens on ‘washing the duvet day’) with one paw shoved in my side and I’m clinging onto the bed. They’re both making that cute and comfy snory noise and it’s definitely a happy place. Work starts in 15 mins though so I need to shift myself and leave them to it.

    I wish you all the best for 2021 and let’s hope the vaccine will bring an end to all this suffering and we will move on to better times very quickly. Peace out ✌️