My Recovery So Far

I changed my mind and I’m back, with a slightly more anonymous blog which makes me feel more comfortable. Happy New Year to you all <3 I hope 2019 is off to a great start for you.

I had a quiet but brilliant Christmas and New Year with friends and family.

So, let’s get straight to the point. As I’ve said before, from the word go, I’ve never wanted to stay sober forever and on the 29th December 2018 when I’d reached 14 months of sobriety I decided to make a change. This isn’t a decision I’ve taken lightly. I’ve been thinking and talking about it for a couple of months now. I’m bored of being sober and I’m also avoiding certain situations because I don’t necessarily want to be the only non drinker at the party. I want my life back! I don’t have to get pissed, but I’d like to have a couple. I know some people will be reading this thinking I can’t but actually, I proved to myself on the 30th December 2018 that I actually can, then I did the same on the 4th January 2019. I went out for meals with the same friend, we shared a bottle of wine on both occasions and it went exactly as I wanted. I really really enjoyed myself and although I was nervous at first (we both were) I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’m having a go at moderating but it’s going to take some time to work it out.

Moderating, as opposed to abstaining, is seen as a bit of cop out. Trust me, it isn’t. It requires constant thought; hundreds of decisions have to be made every week. But it is worth it: I am a bit lighter, a bit calmer, a bit healthier and what I do drink, I enjoy more.
For me, alcohol is like fire, water, religion, politics and many other things: it’s not the thing itself, it’s what you do with it. It can do you and others harm, or a little good. I think I am managing to edge from one to the other. ~ Adrian Chiles

Right, now for the 3rd attempt. It didn’t exactly go to plan. Well I didn’t really have a plan to be honest and that was part of the problem. I went out with my drinking buddy and basically turned into the exact person I’m trying to get away from being. I had a bloody brilliant time but I was completely wasted and don’t remember a lot of the night.

Do I regret it? No. It’s a moderation test and not a failure (very important).

Have I learnt from it? Yes. I know I can’t go ‘out out’ just drinking.

Have I drank since? No. I’ve thought about it but nothing major.

Will I drink alcohol again? Yes, but I’ll choose very carefully who with, where and when.

I’ve realised it’s much easier to stay sober, but I don’t want that forever. I want to be happy and able to enjoy the nice bits alcohol bring to life, because I believe there are some positive sides when things are done in the right way. As they say “everything in moderation”. For me, Adrian Chiles hits the nail on the head with this post.

Alcohol free drinks will always be my priority and what I’ll usually go for at the bar, whether I’m driving or not. Tonight I thought about getting a bottle of my favourite red wine but instead I’ve gone for AF fruit cider. But sometimes they’re not available so if I choose to have a real beer, then it will be nice to do so.

Part of the reason I went away was because I knew what my plans were and I knew I was ending my sobriety. I didn’t know how to feel about it and I certainly didn’t want to write about it because I know what the response would be. Moderate drinking is extremely controversial but as I’ve said before, I don’t class myself as an alcoholic, I’ve never drank daily and I’ve never craved alcohol. I’m your classic binge drinker and I believe there’s a big difference. My thoughts on alcohol have completely changed and I’m looking forward to seeing how my moderating works out.

Thanks for reading and I hope you have a fabulous weekend.

Claire xxx