I’ll try not to leave it so long next time

Hello again 🙂

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while but I just haven’t been in the mood.  Well, that and I’ve been too busy.  I went home for a week to catch up with everyone and get away from the island life – I was feeling claustrophobic.  I’m so lucky to have such amazing friends and family and it was great to see them all.  I caught up with quite a few friends but I never have time to see everyone.  The whole drinking around people is a LOT easier now.  It’s a good job because I didn’t have a choice when I went to see Doogie with his goldfish bowl of vodka and lemonade.  Six hours later I was on my way home and I’d hardly said a word! 😂

Whilst I was away I read the most amazing book which will stick with me forever.  It really gave me the kick up the arse that I needed.  It’s made me think about my anxiety from a completely different angle.  I’ve never realised before but I’ve probably been anxious since my little mind was only about 4 years old.  Lucy Nichol writes about her anxiety in a completely different way to what I’ve seen before and I could completely relate to what she has experienced.  Maybe it’s because we’re the same age, I’m not sure but I couldn’t put the book down and rather than the penny dropping a massive old 50p pence dropped right in my head! Since reading the book I now know the thoughts I have are ‘normal’ and I’m not a crazy cow.  It’s also made me realise I can find a way to push myself and achieve what I want in life.  It may be a litter harder for me because I need to find ways to deal with my different anxiety symptoms but it is doable and that’s what matters.  I have made a few changes and done things I’ve been putting off for years.  I can’t go into detail with some of them at the moment but hopefully I’ll be able to update you very soon!

So, I’m on my way to 40 and I finally feel I’m about to start living my life the way I want to and not the way my anxiety allows me to.

Here’s Lucy’s book …

One thing I can tell you about is my half marathon training! I’ve signed up for the Royal Parks Half Marathon which is happening on 14th October in London.  I’m running with a very close friend and raising money for Mind mental health charity.  Training is going really well and I’m feeling fitter than I’ve been in a very long time.  I think it’s the running that’s keeping me sane at the moment! Haha.  I will be providing a link to the fund raising page very soon 😉

Another reason I’ve been quiet over the last couple of weeks is because I’ve been struggling with one thing and another and I’ve been wanting to spend time alone.  I get like that when I’m feeling down and I’m not sure why.  Perhaps it’s just my way of dealing with stuff.  I just want to be left alone with my thoughts and to sort myself out.  Because I’ve always reached for the bottle of wine when I feel like this I’ve had drinking thoughts as well.  I don’t want to drink because I’m so proud of how far I’ve come but it’s an automatic reaction and it’s pretty difficult to explain.  The thoughts are mainly about being able to drink in moderation one day, being able to have a drink on my birthday or glass of prosecco at a celebration.  Now I know this is probably not going to happen for a long time and maybe it never will but I can’t stop the thoughts and it’s frustrating.  I was sat at the kitchen table one night thinking it would be so nice to just get drunk and forget about everything.  It’s those thoughts that piss me off! I was a massive binge drinker and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stick at one or two drinks.  So for now it’s easier to stay sober.

I’m going back home again on Thursday for the Easter break.  I have no plans and I’ve done this deliberately so I can spend quality time with my family and relax for the weekend.  It’s probably just what I need!

Thanks for reading.

Claire ❤ xxx

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