Isn’t it strange when I start writing again I get my mojo back?! Two posts in two days. You’re very lucky! 😉
Anybody who knows me well, will tell you I’m a massive overthinker. Seriously, I analyse the shit out of everything. My daily life, my work, my finances, my future. Every part of my life, I overthink and if I don’t have something to overthink about, I’ll find or create something. I worry about money all the time but when I actually look at my finances, I’m in a lot better position than I’ve probably ever been. When I was drinking all the time I was spending ridiculous amounts of money which I couldn’t afford on a weekly basis. I don’t do any of that now so I’m clearly creating a problem where there isn’t one. I worry about my future but again, when I actually look at it properly, it’s a lot better looking than it was 18 months ago. I was a total mess, going nowhere and basically killing myself with alcohol. I carry a lot of guilt about my past and I shouldn’t. It’s not like I’ve done anything drastic to hurt anyone. I’ve said some horrible stuff and upset a few people but I know the ones who care about me have forgiven me. The only person I’ve done any real damage to is myself and I’m really putting 100% into making up for it, living a good, healthy life and be the best person I can be. I do need to get a grip and sort this thought process out because it’s destroying the one thing I want more than anything. My ability to have a decent, lasting relationship with someone I know cares a lot about me and is quite likely to be long term. I seem to overthink every conversation we have and see problems where there isn’t any. I overanalyse everything and I feel like I’m constantly looking for answers to why I can’t be happy just living in the moment and enjoying NOW. Last night I was reading a post from my favourite blogger. You can read it here. Anna talks about her blogging friend who once commented about addicts having the inability to be content with WHAT IS. It was definitely a light bulb moment for me when I was reading through. It’s so interesting how many addicts go through the same thought processes and it’s amazing how we can all help each other in this way. Back to me and my crazy head. One day I can be settled and feeling on top of the world then something can be said which gets in my crazy brain and I go all drama queen. I’m an emotional wreck for the next two days, we talk then the day after I’m absolutely fine. It really is ridiculous. It’s time to sort it out. I’ve met someone that is really lovely and willing to work at this with me. JT is a really amazing person. She’s kind, generous, loving, adventurous, tolerant (thank God), patient (thank God), intelligent, witty and very nice to look at which helps! She’s also quite funny but don’t tell her I said that! I’ve always been a worrier but these days I don’t really tend to worry. I just overthink and it’s driving me mad. More importantly, it’s stopping me from being productive at work!
It’s only the last year or so I’ve realised that overthinking is the reason for a lot of my problems in the past. I put it all down to anxiety but that was probably created due to overthinking! It’s a massive vicious circle! I’ve even walked out of jobs in the past because of it. I’ve got myself into such a state overthinking it’s knocked my confidence, I’ve convinced myself I’m shit and can’t do the job so walked out and blamed it on the fact my boss was a tosser, or the pay was rubbish, or the commute was too far, or anything else so that I didn’t have to admit it was MY fault and MY issues causing the problem. There, I’ve said it.
I keep telling people I don’t need therapy whether it be grievance, relationship, CBT or any other that’s out there, but maybe I do? Anyway, I contacted a therapist, had a good chat and made an appointment to go but then cancelled the day after when I started to feel more positive and relaxed. Vicious circle again! But there was the cost as well. When I realised I’d probably need a session every week for roughly 6 months I nearly passed out at how much it would be and I certainly ain’t Rockefeller. I bought a self help book for a fiver instead.
Like everything else, I usually tell the world about my love life. Well, I’ve decided to keep this one quiet for a change. But what I will tell you is that I’m being taken away tonight for a couple of nights. How exciting is that?! I don’t usually do surprises and at the beginning of the week I was fretting a bit (nothing new there) but now I’m proper excited and can’t wait. I’ve had my instructions to pack for 2 nights; warm clothes for Friday, going out clothes for both nights and I’m being picked up at 6pm from home. That’s all I know. Oh my word! I feel giddy just typing that.
I’m off to pack my suitcase …
Happy Valentine’s Day to you all 💘
Lots of love, Claire. Xxx